After life taught me a few tough lessons, I decided it was time to stop feeling. It was time to stop wearing every single emotion on my face. It was time to toughen up and stop being so sensitive and crying so easily.
And I managed it. I was so proud of my self-control. I managed to achieve a sense of total numbness. It got to the point I couldn’t care less about getting up in the morning. I hadn’t realized how depressed I was until my mom intervened and with professional help, I climbed out of the darkness.
Now that I look back, it seems funny how getting better required feeling again. It required crying again, but it meant laughing again, too. In my case, being depressed didn’t mean I was crying all day long, but rather not feeling like doing anything at all, because I didn’t care about life and everything seemed the same shade of gray. You could call it a “whatever” state of mind.
When I managed to accept myself instead of fighting a senseless battle that would only lead to self-destruction, I was able to live again instead of merely surviving. I realized feeling too much is not a sin. That every single time I cried harder than others, I needed to remind myself that I would be able to feel joy more intensely than people around me, laugh louder and hug harder those who needed it. Being sensitive is not a defect although it can bring on a lot of pain.
That’s why I refuse to apologize for feeling too much. For crying when I see how unfair life can be. For my rage when I witness violence or intolerance. And for smiling every time I can.
To those that at any given point in their lives they have felt they are weaker because they are too sensitive, all I can say is that you need to stop listening to those who don’t and can’t understand. Use your energy to do good with that amazing sensitivity instead of fighting against something you cannot control. Dare to feel everything you need to feel because there is a purpose to that gift you were born with and it is up to each and every one of us to figure out how to channel our energy and our feelings in a positive way.
And to those who are feeling numb and actually realize they don’t feel anything at all, please don’t despair. There is a way out. The first step is to realize what you’re going through and then seek help.
The sooner you accept yourself and your nature, the sooner you will learn to live with yourself and be able to find more happiness. Because once you feel, you open the door to truly being able to embrace life. And that’s where you will find the true beauty of feeling too much.